Living in America:
The final good bye was very sad. I remember putting my hands around my adopted mother's neck saying good bye to her with tears in my eyes. She pulled back a little reaching for my chin and looked at me straight in the eyes while drying my tears with her small embroidered white handkerchief. She told me not to cry that everything is going to be alright. I hugged the other folks who had come to the airport with me and told them good bye. Then we heard the call for our flight, at that moment I took my younger sister Margaret's hand and started walking toward our flight. Halfway to the plane an immigration officer stopped us, took our passports and stamped them, then he gave them back to us. Finally after our boarding passes were verified by another officer, this one was a lady, we were free to board the plane. We are going home to the United States of America for a better life, I told myself.
I was sixteen years old and my sister Margaret was fifteen. Papa didn't want to send for Margaret, but I convinced him that Margaret has to come with me here home in this country. Reluctantly papa accepted my idea but he told me to always remember that was never his idea for Margaret to come. We sat in the middle of the plane, and our seats were by the windows. The flight was very pleasant; except that I felt sick during the take off. The stewardess was very nice to us, she offered us lunch, beverages, and made sure we were very comfortable. The flight lasted four hours, and before the plane landed at the Kennedy Airport the stewardess helped us to secure our seat belt on. Our captain gave us the smoothest and the safest landing. We were among the first to disembark off the plane. As we entered the gate there was an officer with his military uniform looking at me; I felt love at first sight for him when he said directly to me: "Welcome Home to the United States Of America." I smiled back at him and said thank you.
After checking our luggage, Margaret and I saw our father waving at us with two white sweaters in his hands. We were happy to see a familiar face and we ran toward him. He gave us a warm welcome, took our luggage from us, and helped us with our sweaters. Papa explained to us that we needed the sweaters, because the month was October, and it had started to be cold in New York. We asked him if the snow was falling, and he told us not for another month.
The ride from Kennedy airport in Queen to Brooklyn New York was peaceful and serene. I had never seen the autumn season before. In Port au Prince Haiti we have summer all year long. As papa continued to drive, I saw that the trees were colorful, but there was something sad about them because they started to lose their leaves already. As we crossed the suburb of Queen to our final destination in Brooklyn I realized that the houses look all the same. Except for the moving cars and park cars the street was also deserted. Papa talked to us during the ride and told us that America is a very rich country. It was comforting to know that we no longer will have to deal with the poverty issues that we have back in Haiti. Therefore I told myself from now on I was going to have a better life.
We finally arrived to our home in Brooklyn New York at 99 Tapscott Street. It was a four story building and we leave on the second floor. Sitting on the step at the entrance of the building was this friendly American woman. I said Hello and she said "Hi", and asked me for my name. She became my first American friend. That evening we had our first American meal. Papa said he had to fatten me up, because I was too skinny, so he placed a lot of food in front of me. I have never seen so much meat in my entire life, but unfortunately just looking at the food, I became so full. Earlier before dinner papa had introduced to my sister Margaret and I our new mother. She was a Haitian woman whom she had married here in the USA. Later when she was not around papa told us that he had married her just so we could have a new mother. Our stepmother was very formal, but she treated us very nice. Even though that she was not a pretty woman, she carried herself with such dignity and prestige, all one can saw was a beautiful woman. The next day after our arrival papa took us to school. He didn't want us sitting around in the apartment doing nothing, so he told us the earlier we started school the better.
Our first day of school was exciting the school looked like a fashion agency rather than a high school. The year was 1973 and the young people were happy, the sound of Marvin Gay and Barry White filled the autumn air and the scent of spearmint bubblegum was everywhere. We marched our way out of papa's car into the school registrar office. As we moved through the crowd the cheerfulness in the student's eyes couldn't go unnoticed, we had to say "Hi" to them, our first English word. They smiled back at us, and their afros were styled in all sizes. Everybody was wearing bell bottom jeans, Maxi or mini skits, tee shirts and cashmere sweaters. The girls were all beautiful and the boys were also all handsome, and life was revolving around this special time zone. Some of us called us frenchies and papa explained to us it was because that we spoke French. Later the other Haitian kids told us the reason we were called frenchies is because we had ribbons in our hair, and we were wearing dresses instead of bell bottom jeans. So I took the ribbons of my hair and turn it into an afro. Then my next challenge was to learn English, and it was hard. I surprised myself though, because six month later I was able to hear, speak and write in the English language.
My high school graduation was a very important moment in my life, but I felt sad and alone that day because Margaret would not attend. She never gave me the real reason; just she was too busy planning her wedding with Frantz. He was the young man she was engaged to. Anyway papa, my stepmother and my godmother were there at the graduation for me. A few weeks after the graduation, Margaret came home crying and she was bleeding all over her body. I asked her what had happened, and she explained that she was beat up by a group of girl's gang members. I found out from my own sources that one of the girls was in love with Frantz and found out that he was about to marry Margaret, therefore decided to gang up on her to beat her up. There was no way I was going to let them get away with it. I found out about the place where they hung out with the help of Frantz, beat the hell out of one of them and in the process of the fight her glasses got broken, and it was the start up of a vendetta that lasted for years until I left Brooklyn and moved to Queen.
Papa gave Margaret a very big wedding and I was happy for her. After her marriage she confessed to me that she was afraid to have children, but her husband wanted to start a family right away. I felt bad for her and I told her not to worry. Shortly after the marriage, she became pregnant and came crying to me. I went to stay with her for a while so I could take care of her because she was very sick with morning sickness every day. To make her feel better I went to Macys to shop for her and the baby, and she was comforted and happy. She made me godmother of her baby girl after she was born. I was in college already and was living in the dorm. I left the dorm and moved in with Margaret and her husband, so that I can help them with the baby. I had experience because I used to help my mother with my little sister Paule Michele, and my baby brother Arthur. In those days we used to live at grand mama's house and maman was away in the countryside of Haiti, trying to sell her fabrics. I helped Margaret with her daughter until she was two, then I changed school. I moved out of her house and into my new school dormitory at long Island University.
When I was nine years old papa and maman finally separated, they didn't get back together until I was 21, and this time got married legally. I can remember they feuding since I was four. They used to fight a lot and after each fight maman would left and went to her mother home in the middle of the city. I would miss her very much during these short separations. Sometime she would take Margarett and I with her, sometime she left us behind. During their final separation we went with her to grand mama house. She was not like a typical grandma because she would whip me real bad when I get in trouble. My last whipping from her was so horrible that I still carry the scars. I was eleven at that time and I can't remember in full detail what I did but it was about using a neighbor's bathroom instead of hers. The next day I was so depressed about it, I went and helped myself to a neighborhood's store liquor's barrel and got drunk for the very first time. That day I looked up above in the heaven and I asked God why.
A few weeks after the terrible beating incident, I left grand mama house, and went back to Petion ville to live with papa. I decided that I could no longer take grand mama whipping, so a relative helped me to get reunited with papa again. Papa was very happy to see me and I told him about the situation with grand mama, he told me that I was more than welcome to stay with him. Papa never liked grand mama and it was a mutual feeling between them. I went back to grand mama house to pick up my clothes and she told me that I betrayed her. I never understood what she meant. Anyway I was very happy to stay with papa. I slept better, ate better, and felt better about myself. The school was better too, because in the city schools the kids were bad and the teachers were means. I went back to visit my sister Margarett at grand mama house once a month, and each time that the visitation was over and I was ready to leave, she would burst into tears and I felt bad and I would start to cry also. Finally I asked papa if Margaret could also come to leave with us, and he said yes. So Margaret came and my life was completed.
Three years after moving in with papa, he migrated to the United States. Once again I was on my own. My brother Jean, my uncle Rene, and my aunt Veronique stayed in the house with us to supervise us. Then my sister Anne Marie came to live with us. She was papa's daughter. Anne Marie was a very nice person. She was also very intelligent. She died very young in her mid 30's. I liked her and we became very close. I loved candies in those days and she used to buy them for me all the times. She was very generous and loved to share with others. In those days my adopted mother was in the fabric business and she had to travel to different provinces to sell her fabrics. She would return to the city every three month to buy more fabrics from whole sellers and during those times she would come to papa's house in Petion Ville to visit us. Then later on she decided to have a store in the city and sell her fabric locally. Two years later papa sent for Margaret and me to come to live with him in the United States. Usually it is a long procedure to come from Haiti to the United States, but in less than 6 month our paper were processed and we came here in October of the year of 1973
I came home to the United States when I was sixteen. After living the first sixteen years of my life in the island of Hispaniola, adaptation to life in America was not easy. I had to face many barriers, and one of them was the English language. In the Island we had summer every day, and the sun rose every morning and settled down every evening. Even though I like the climate here my body had to be adjusted to the changes in it. I missed the sun in the winter very much, but my life here was safe and secure. Since I first lived in Brooklyn New York when I came, I was exposed to a variety of cultures. Sometime I was overwhelmed to see so many cultural variations. My favorite place was west fourteen street in Manhattan. There I met all types of people and I thought it was very interested. Later on I learned about the upper east side of Manhattan, and Bloomingdale became my favorite place to shop. Then I found out about the Museum of Natural History, the Museum of Modern Arts, The Botanical Gardens, and Coney Island where I had my first and last Rollercoaster's ride, and the New York Aquarium. All these places became my favorite spots. I was very much intrigued and amazed by the life in the city.
When I was a little girl living in the island of Hispaniola I used to dream a lot. I had too to cope with the pain, the suffering and the humiliation. I was always ashamed of something, but I didn't know what it was. It was a terrible feeling for a child to have. Something deep inside me used to guide me to keep my head high, but it was not easy. Therefore I would dream big. Sometime I would even dream of being the first lady. During the time that I had the blues real bad I would think that one day a prince charming would come and rescue me from all my sufferings and my humiliation. I had to survive so I learned that I had to make the best out of the worst, and I did. I was Guy The Maupassant and Alexandre Dumas leading Lady in their romantic books. Sometime I would be the lover of a Duke or a noble man in the nineteen century England. I had to survive so I dreamed. Sometime people would reproach me for not looking for my supper, instead the minute the sun went down I would reach for my bed and start dreaming. It was a daily ritual unless I had homework to do for school then I would sit at the table in front of the glass lamp studying or doing my work. I didn't like morning because I had to face the hard reality of life. Beside it was hard to dream in the morning. I loved going to school because I always enjoyed learning. The school was the only place I can prove to everyone that I was somebody and I did well in all my classes.
I remember when I was thirteen years old the school was having a play about the aborigenes of the island of Hispaniola. I was chosen to play the role of Queen Anacaonna of Xaragua. She was an Indian Queen who governed the Island before it was discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492. During the rehearsal the school matron was shocked to see the way I was so familiar and at ease with the character. She asked me if I had ever played the role of Queen Anacaonna before, and I told her no. She kept on looking at me like I was a thousand pieces of puzzles that she had to put together in a minute. I did the play but unfortunately none of my family member came to see me, and to give their approval. That was the last time I was ever in a play since.
The lost of my first pet was another incident that marked my life until this day. She was a female cat, and she used to sleep with me every night. One night I realized that she was not in bed with me; I woke up and I started to look for her, but she was nowhere to be found. The next day, I found out that my cat had fell into a neighbor's well that was filled with water. It was a very sad moment in my life. I wandered the entire day, feeling sad and cold. A relative of mine suggested that I should get another pet, but I could never replace my cat. It is strange the way the mind functions, because when I lost custody of my daughter Farrah to her grandmother my ego was hurt so much, that I thought I could replace her by giving birth to another daughter. I did give birth to another daughter, Chantale; two years later after Farrah went to live with her grandmother. I still can sense the resentment in Farrah toward me, even though she loves Chantale very much.
I had farrah during my last year in College. She lighted up my life and I was very happy to have her. She was a good baby and a good child. She was smart and very intelligent. I taught her how to read and write, and by the time she was four years old she mastered both the English and the French languages. By the age of five, her K-2 instructor called me and told me that she was too far advanced for kindergarten that the school wanted to place her in first grade. I agreed, and they did. Unfortunately a year later my marriage to Ruben dissolved; and we both had a major break down. We lost the apartment and my mother in law got legal custody of Farrah.
I had a great time in high School. We went to many field trips, to the museums and the Botanical garden. I made a lot of friends. My favorite teacher was Mrs. Panderas . I always remember her because she used to call me Honey. I thought that was a cute name, but later I learned that "honey" was not an English name. It's just a word that means sweet. Mrs. Panderas used to organized classroom party for us and she would always encourage me to dance. She was the first person who really made me feel very special. I had another teacher whom I like very much too her name was Miss. Silberman, and she used to organize those field trips for us. I graduated High school with a B+ average even though I didn't speak English very well. Soon after my graduation my sister Magarett got married and moved out of Papa's house. I felt very lonely and missed her very much. Therefore I would pay her long visitation time as often as I could. In those days Margarett and I were very closed. During this visitation time we would go to the theater together, and one of our favorite movies was Mahogany with Diana Ross
I did very well in High School and completed it. In my last year in High school, I had to attend Wingate High school during the day and Erasmus High school at night, so I could be graduated on time. While I was in High school I worked in the summer times in a laundry facility, in a factory, as a baby sitter and even had a part time job at McDonald. Learning how to make money gave me a sense of independence and the encouragement that I needed to further my education beyond High School. My baby sitting job was very interesting. I had to babysit for a year old twin girl and boy. Their parents were artists and they lived on the upper east side of Manhattan. George was a jazz musician and his wife whom I called Mrs. Opillasy, told me she was a show girl. George would walk around naked in front of me when he was home. The twins were very good babies and I loved them. The best part of the job was that I was introduced to jazz music, and loved it. I stayed with the family for a long time even after I graduated from High School, and then I gradually lost their contacts.
My father wanted me to get a job after high School so I can help support the family, but I refused. I told him that I wanted to go to college and study biology, and then I would go to medical school later. He didn't agree, but I went anyway on my own. I was fortunate because in those days the City University of New York was tuition free. I went there for three years then transferred to Long Island University the Brooklyn Campus. There I received my Bachelor of Science degree. I got married in my last year in college to a wonderful man from the Island of Puerto Rico. A year later we had a beautiful baby girl and we named her Farrah Isabel Rios. I had to stay home with my daughter and was unable to go to medical school. The first two years of our marriage was fantastic; we had fun and he made sure that he took me out at least once a week. He was a very good man, but he had a battle with alcohol. My husband Ruben was a compassionated man; he would take time off from work when I had a cold, so he could take care of me. He would take me to the park and fixed me a picnic style lunch. He was the kindness person when he was not drinking.
Our intimacy toward each other was excellent. He enjoyed making love to me, and I felt the same way too. The only problem was, when he was drinking, I would refuse him and he didn't like that. He liked the theaters, particularly the Broadway theaters. I still remember the first musical he took me to see on Broadway; it was the musical "Evita". That night I felt like a star and he was the man of the hour. I remembered how much I loved him. He loved the Beatles, and his favorite musician was John Lennon. He took it very hard when he died. I felt guilty because just a few months before John Lennon died he had sent me to Madison Square Gardens to buy tickets for one of his upcoming concert, but I was unable to get the tickets because they were sold out. He was very disappointed, and he told me that he was willing to pay any price for that ticket. He was right when he said that things were never going to be the same without John Lennon. During the months that follow, his drinking became heavier, and we started to argue about everything. The amazing thing about our relationship is that he never stopped to take me out. Since it was the Disco era, some weekend he would even take me to the disco to dance. A good thing about him, even though he was very jealous, he encouraged me to be creative and went out of his ways to help me with my photography projects. We talked sometime about nature, and also about various types of cultures. He was fascinated by the Mayan's cultures and we would discuss about them all the times. Unfortunately, our marriage ended, but we remain good friends.
After Ruben and I separated I moved back to Haiti and went to medical school there. I fell in love with a young medical student in my class named Price; he was the smartest among all the other student. Our love could not survive because his parents had already arranged a future wife for him, and she was in the same class also. I made many friends in the school and one of them was Sybil. We organized a beautiful play together for the Christmas holiday and it was a success. I had helped her wrote the play, but didn't have any part in it. On Christmas Eve I took my daughter Farrah who was three years old at that time to see the play. The year was 1983 and on our way to the play we heard from the car radio for the first time Tina Turner new released song "what love got to do with it" and I knew right away that the song was a hit. We saw the play then we went back home. Mamman was happy to see us back and she thanked me for the Christmas tree and told me she had not have a Christmas tree for twenty five years. Papa was in Haiti also since he and mamman has gotten married a few years back. We exchanged gifts said a prayer to thank god, and then we went to sleep.
I had a steady boyfriend by then since things didn't work out between Price and me. He was a good friend of the Dean where I was attending medical school. The Dean needed my transcript from Long Island University where I had my bachelor degree since he was the consul at the Haitian embassy in New York; He stamped the transcript before I could give it to the Dean. I knew they were friends, so I did not see any problems in him doing that, but the Dean didn't like it. He asked me why I let him stamped the transcript; I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say. I tried to explain, but the words could not come out. It got even harder when I found out that the Dean was one of my anatomy professors. He always called my name to send me to the blackboard to describe certain bones in the skull. I tried to tell my boyfriend that I was intimidated by the Dean and he would tease me by saying that love always start like that. I never knew if I was in love with him or if he was the one in love with me. At the final exam we had about six instructors to test us orally and the Dean was one of them. I was not surprise when he called my name and sent me to the blackboard. I was lucky though because he had a phone call, he refused to take the call, but when they told him it was an emergency he accepted. Another instructor came to my rescue and continued the oral exam; to my astonishment the Dean was back, pushing the instructor away to take his place. I performed the exam for him and was relieved when I was free. After all the exams were over Farrah and I came for a nice vacation in the USA. We stayed for two months then went back to Haiti.
A month before the school started, I met my radiology professor Dr Beaulieu, and he was surprised to see me; he asked me why did I come back. I did not understand what he meant, and I answered him that I came back so I can finish medical school. Little did I know that there was tension between my boyfriend and the Dean. My problem had increased even more because my embryology professor who was also the minister of defense of Haiti had had his eyes on me also. I was innocent as a lamb because I didn't know. To make the situation even worst, during dissection in anatomy, I mentioned to my group that I needed a Mercedes. One of the student said that Dr Lafontant can give it to you; I replied that my husband Ruben was going to be deployed to Germany he had promised me that once he got there he would send me one. I didn't mean to hurt the minister's feeling, we were just joking. Now that I am 55 years old I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. If I could go back in time, of course I would choose the minister, because life is about comfort not suffering and pain and humiliation. It's ok to love as long it will not cause you to end your life.
A month after I started my second year in medical school, I found out that I was pregnant for the consul. I could not study because I was sick with morning sickness all the time. I tried to contact him, but he had stopped talking to me. I explained my situation to a friend of mind and she told me that she knew a doctor who could help me as long that I have $300.00 in American currency. I had the money and she introduced me to the doctor. It funny though, because if it was now 26 years later I probably would had have the baby for lack of fund. Anyway the doctor examined me, fondled my breast and told me that I was definitively pregnant, and he agreed to do the abortion.
I left mamman house the next morning very early, went to my friend house and from there we headed up to the doctor's clinic. Actually it was a polyclinic and the place was very clean and nice. I gave my friend $ 500.00 in case things went bad and she needed extra cash to pay the doctor for my life and went under the general anesthesia. Before I became unconscious the doctor asked me if I liked to party and I told him that I was a good girl who is only interested in learning about medicine. Later when I woke up I was still on the operating table and the nurse told me it's all over and I am going to be alright. I was bleeding, but not a lot. I got up then I felt a terrible cramp that lasted just a few seconds. I finished to get dress, went outside to meet my friend, and we took a taxi. We parted halfway in the trip and I continued the trip home by myself. There was a restaurant just a block from my place, I stopped there, I ate then went home.
The next day I had an early morning class with Dr Launa. She was a trouble maker, always yelling and cursing at the students. There were rumors that she was Lafontant mistress. Now you can imagine my situation. To my greatest surprise that morning she was quiet and was focusing her attention on me to a point that I was starting to be embarrassed. It was the longest hour that I have ever spent in that hematology class. I was glad when it was over. Now I can understand, because women are very concern about other women in crisis. I healed fast, before I knew it, I was able to resume all my normal activities, and I was myself again and happy. A month later I met Elicendra, she also had her bachelor of science degree at Long Island University, and we became friend right away. She would come to study anatomy with me and spent the night at my place, and sometimes I would do the same by spending the night at her place. My sister Anne Marie had a good friend who was a church minister who started to take interest in me also. This man was very good and nice to me; I never knew what he saw in me. He gave me money, offered me a brand new house, and even promised me a rose garden. Stupid as I was I turned him away. Even after I hurt his feeling he continues to help me. Is this what love is about? I sure wish now that I could make it up to him. I will worship the ground he stepped in if I could. Someone who never hurt me! I just can't believe it. Instead of returning his love, I started to date another man. When things didn't work out and I had to leave Haiti, he was also the one who helped me to escape. It's time that I pay tribute to him and thank him for saving my life.
When Farrah was seven years old I gave birth to my daughter Chantale. Later on I had a son named Tilal by my second husband. We were married for a very short time. I met him in Boston Massachusetts where he was attending Harvard University. We had our first date at one of the University's side walk coffee. At that time he was still grieving the lost of an older sibling and he told me how she died tragically in his arms. Later he transferred from Harvard to Boston University, but he received his PHD at the University of Massachusetts. We planned to go to Romania and adopt two orphans there than move to Sudan to teach the poor kids there. The plan failed and we end up in a bitter sweet divorce battle. Now he lives in Dubai at the United Arab Emirates and he is teaching science education there. He also has custody of our only son, and I have him in the summer time. I loved Sufian very much but like everyone else he broke my heart. I never have any real love after him, just fantasies. He is a handsome man, but he has a large cicatrix on the right side of his face. He fell in a large pot of broiling water when he was a little boy in Sudan, and he almost died. He was able to pull thru, but the scar remains on his face.
My life in America has been good. It's not an easy life, but I feel content and satisfy with all my accomplishments here. I am a soldier in my nature and soldiers are made to live in America. You have to be very brave here in order to survive. I heard president Ronald Regan said once: "… only the brave will see the future." I think he was right. Every decision that I have made about my future goals I have to fight somebody else opinion to make it through. In college my first encounter with prejudice was in my biology class. I made a comment in class about the course and one of the white students told me to shut up. I was shocked and my first reaction was to jump at her, but the instructor interfered and told that student that she was being very rude to me, and she was interfering with my right to speak up. I was so angry that I had forgotten my English and could not answer her. After that incident she moved to the back of the class where she sat quietly for the rest of the term. I just could not figure out what had triggered that student to be so angry at me. Many years later when I was living in Boston some white boys called me the "N" word and this time I was ready with my answer. I told them yes I am what they called me, but I am a smart and educated one. Their faces turned red and I can see the heat coming out, and I thought for sure that they were going to beat me up, but instead they turned around and went in the other direction. I can't think of any other occasion when I was directly attacked because of my race. Now when people get frustrated with me for some reasons that I don't know, they just ask me "where do you from" and I can hear and read the sarcasm from their lips.
My summer job at McDonald didn't go well either. I was hired as a cashier, but my supervisor there didn't like it and on my second week in the job he gave me a mop and told me to mop the floor so that I can work my way up to the cashier position. I had to tell him good bye. Actually this store is still there on west four streets in Manhattan New York. I didn't have my first boy friend until I was in my second year in college. I was working for the work study program at a hospital in Harlem and he was a doctor who was doing his residency there. We dated four two years then we broke up, and then I met my husband Ruben.
In my second year in college I moved out of Papa's house into the school dormitory. It was the first time that I was on my own and I was about twenty years old. It was not easy because I was very lonely. Then I met Althea a native of Jamaica, but she was raised in London, England. She was a laboratory technologist who was working toward a master degree in microbiology. She was a good person and a good friend. Our friendship dissolved when she wanted to take it in a romantic manner. She tried to kiss me but I was not ready for this type of relationship with her. I should have had let her love me. I regret it dearly for pushing her away. After her I met my first boyfriend Fito the doctor and he broke my heart too. Then it was one heart break after another, except for my husband Ruben. He didn't break my heart at all. He probably was the only man beside my father who had ever loved me. It took me a long time to realize it.
After Fito had broken my heart I transferred to Long Island University where I got my bachelor degree in the biological sciences. The same year I met Ruben and we were married on June the 25, 1979. He was very quiet, and shy but I loved him creasy. We had a good love affair going. Our relationship was so funny that his friend Jerry said that they should have had a TV show about us. What I liked about him was that I can let down my guard with him. Even though he had a very strong character he was very easy to deal with. He was very handsome too with a movie star look. He was tall, with a light complexion and dark brown hair. It was very funny because in the morning I would take my camera and followed him on his way to work taking his pictures. He was loyal. Every time that I would introduce him to a friend, if it is a female she would propose him the minute I turned my back. If it is a male he would tell him to get rid of me that he had someone better than me for him. Later on Ruben would say to me where you met these people there are no good and they don't like you. He was so innocent and naïve about the evilness of this world. I didn't understand his pain, I wish that I knew then what I know now. He was always cold he told me. He always wore a jacket with dark glasses on his eyes.
The birth of our daughter really scared him. He would say to me this world has too many evils in it, and it is not a right place to bring up children. I could not understand him but now I do. I got pregnant again for him when Farrah was only three month old and he went into a panic attack so I had to have an abortion. He never forgives himself for driving me into doing that. Even long after we were divorced he would continue to ask me for his forgiveness. Anyway when Farrah was only six month I had a job working for a millionaire and he liked me very much. Mr. Bown told me one day to ask my husband to come in also and work for him. I told Ruben but not only he refused he also made me quick my job. It was hard because I was making twice as much than he was making at Prime Computer in those days. Our marriage didn't survive and when Farrah was three years old I went back to Haiti to attend medical school there.
I attended medical school in Haiti for almost two years then came back because I had a major break down. When I came back to the United States I had to join the homeless list for four years. I moved to Boston Massachusetts, then to California. Actually I hitched hack my way to California all the way from Boston Massachusetts. I met this Young lady at one of the shelter in Boston, and she told me that she was on her way to California. This is how it all started. By the time we get to Rhode Island she made a negative remark about the Reverent Jessie Jackson, I told her that I didn't agree with her and we had to split because of that. I made it to California safely and arrived to Santa Monica on Thanksgiving Day. I was directed to the beach of Santa Monica where the other homeless people were staying. It was there that a young man came to fetch me and took me to a thanksgiving dinner. I was giving a microphone and was told to get on stage and sing. So I did and I sang America the beautiful. I was amazed because the audience which was white did listen and applauded when I was finished. I stayed by the beach with some young folks and later moved to a shelter. A young man did offer to help me launch a singing career there, I agreed but I got in trouble with someone in the shelter and her husband beat me up. The police came and I realized that he was afraid, and saw a good opportunity for me to hit him back. I did and I was arrested for assault and battery. Later on the charges were dropped and I was free again. I moved then to Santa Barbara. Actually I walked from Santa Monica, passed thru Malibu to Santa Barbara.
In Santa Barbara I wrote my first song to one of my childhood fantasy's lover. Even though it was in French the lady I stayed with would take me to different senior citizen centers and there I would sing my song. Baba The man in my life in those days was helping me to master how to sing Amazing Grace. He was good to me, but he could not take my big mouth and had to punch me around a few times. I did not like that, and mom (this is how I called the lady I stayed with} called the police and made me order a citizen arrest on Baba. Poor Baba He went to jail and I felt bad about it. I left Santa Barbara and headed for San Francisco.
In San Francisco I didn't get a chance. I was arrested the first time I ventured out in a Parking lot and I never know why. I was not taking to jail but to a mental hospital, where I stayed for a while. Upon my release I took the train for the first time to San Diego. I had passed thru San Diego before on my way to Los Angeles when I first arrived in California and liked it very much. I had even visited the San Diego Zoo there. Back to San Diego I stayed in many places one of them was in Oceanside where I met a young man that I liked very much. We spent a lot of times together lying next to each other by the beach. Then we separated and I never saw him again.
I left San Diego and walked back to Los Angeles. On my way there I stayed in Long beach for a while. When I arrived in Los Angeles I visited a church and they put me in a hotel for a few days where I can rest. I headed toward Santa Monica Beach and stayed there with the young folks. Among them was a young man whom I fell in love with. I was very territorial, because I will not share him with any one. eventually, we splitted and I went to stay in downtown Los Angeles. I rested there, and then met another young man who lived in his car, and stayed with him until I met Karim Kula Chantale's father.
Like Baba, Karim kula was very good to me. I would cook for him and he would give me poetry books to read. H e tried to tell me not to venture outside t stay inside, but I would not listen. He even locked me inside a couple time, but I would open the window and exited my way out from there. He was kind and like a father to me. When I found out that I was pregnant I left him without even saying good bye. I don't know why I behaved the way I did with him. He is an educated man and I respect him and look up to him. Sometimes I think of him as my Lord.
Then I met the man who taught me how to sing the national anthem. He helped me find my way back to New York. I decided to hitch hack my way back to New York and I did until I get to Virginia. The young man and his dad who were helping me had to leave me there. At the truck stop I felt sleepy and fell asleep and was arrested there for trespassing. I was brought to a jail where I was told that there will take care of me for a while. They did and then sent me to a mental hospital where I met my friend Jodie Boyd. She realized that I was pregnant, and she protected me and took good care of me. She was also a patient there. I stayed in the hospital for three month until someone told me that they are going to take my baby from me. So I left for New York City and I never saw Jodie again. When I got to New York I went into a maternity Shelter where I continue the rest of the pregnancy.
A few years later I met sufian. I was working as a nanny for a wealthy family in Newton Massachusetts; I had to take care of an infant boy named Carter, and took care of him until he was a year old. Sufian made me quit so we can get married. He was very kind to me so I left the live in nanny job to be with him. We rented an apartment in the vicinity of Boston University and we got married. By then he was a full time student at BU and I was unemployed for a while. We lived on our love for each other and sometime we had nothing to eat but eggs. Later on I found employment again as a nanny this time it was part time and the boy, Farrel was a year and a half. I loved Farrel as my own child and we had a great time. I think of him sometime and he must be over eighteen years old now. Sufian also did get a part time job at Logan Airport in Boston Massachusetts. The Gulf war then started and he was fired because he was from Sudan.
A year later after our marriage we moved to Lowel Massachusetts and he attended there the University of Massachusetts at Lowel. I lived in Lowel with him until I became pregnant with our son Tilal. We broke up during the pregnancy and I moved back to Boston. It was an ordeal because I was pregnant, separated from my husband and with no income. I drove a Taxi for a while then went on welfare. I met that young fellow who was only 18 years old he told me that he loved me and wanted to take care of me. I thought that was very nice and we dated throughout the pregnancy. After my son was born he moved out of Boston and went to college in another state. I never heard from him again. My mother came to visit me after the birth of my son, and she revealed a truth to me that will change my life. She told me that she was not my biological mother. Thru out my childhood she always gave me clues about the truth, but I didn't want to believe she was not my biological mother. Even when a neighbor told me I didn't want to believe her either.
It is hard to write about Chantale's father because I never told him that I bore him a child. I met him in Los Angeles California and lived with him for a short time. I left him and went back to New York without telling him that I was pregnant. Everything was fine until Chantale turns twelve and started to ask about her dad. I told her that I love her enough to be both her mom and her dad. I was wrong because she resented me for not understanding her need to have her father in her life. Things got very bitter between Chantale and I. We fought constantly. Finally we had a fire and I sent her to Florida to stay with a sister of my adopted mother. Two years later I went there to get her back but she refused to come with me. A year later she changed her mind and came back to live with me; at that time I was already living in Ohio. I tried very hard to tell her that I love her, and I needed her love so bad, but I was too proud to tell her that all I wanted was for her to hug me. Instead we continue to fight as before she went to Florida. Finally she called the social service department on me and told them that I was physically and mentally abusing her. Since I am a nurse I almost lost my nursing license. I was lucky that my boss also had a teenage daughter and had gone through the same thing with her daughter. She understood me and my license was spared. After that incident I accepted a job offer in Dayton Ohio, and we moved there. Chantale and I finally made peace, and we were in perfect harmony the first year that we spent in Dayton. Then she started to have friends and sometime spent the entire night out, came home in the morning drunk as a fish. She was a senior then in high school and I told her she had to move out. She can stay if she wanted too, but she had to be under my jurisdiction. She moved out instead. After she left I missed her so much, but again pride prevented me to go to her and brought her back home again. Anyway she survived and now she is twenty two and attending college.
In April 9, 2000 my adopted mother died. I flew to Haiti to attend her funeral. While I was there I met a young man; he acted as my body guard and told me to be careful because some people were saying negative things about me. We became close friends and I told him that I will marry him so he could come to the United States and be with me. He was very excited and happy about it, but my younger sister Paule Michelle stepped in and told him that she wanted to marry him instead. I wish them the best of luck and flew back to the United States. They did get marry alright I didn't get angry or upset at my sister because I had just lost a mother I didn't want to lose a sister also. A month later after the funeral I had a fire in my apartment, but I was lucky because my children and I didn't get hurt. We lost our furniture and our clothes, but God save our lives and we are thankful to this day.
Sufian landed a job at the University of Akron Ohio and moved there. Since we had shared custody of our son I followed him and moved there too. I was fortunate to find employment as a nurse, and I rented an apartment and later on Chantale came to live with me. My son would spend every other weekend with me. A year later after I moved to Ohio my sister Paule Michelle died of drug overdose. She was only about 33. That was a shock to me. I still miss her sometime. She was born when I was six years old. I used to think that she was my special baby born just for me. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would do was to go to her crib and picked her up. I never hated her despite all the wrongs she did to me. She was partly the cause that my marriage to Ruben dissolved. When Farrah was six years old she called the social services department and told them that I was homeless and had abandoned my child. She conspired with Cahntale against when she came to live with me again after her husband died. The list of things she did to me is so long that I would run out of ink writing about it; but sometime I still feel sad because she no longer exists in this world.
When I was a little girl living in the island of Hispaniola I used to dream a lot. I had too to cope with the pain, the suffering and the humiliation. I was always ashamed of something, but I didn't know what it was. It was a terrible feeling for a child to have. Something deep inside me used to guide me to keep my head high, but it was not easy. Therefore I would dream big. Sometime I would even dream of being the first lady. During the time that I had the blues real bad I would think that one day a prince charming would come and rescue me from all my sufferings and my humiliation. I had to survive so I learned that I had to make the best out of the worst, and I did. I was Guy The Maupassant and Alexandre Dumas leading Lady in their romantic books. Sometimes I would be the lover of a Duke or a noble man in the nineteen century England. I had to survive so I dreamed. Sometime people would reproach me for not looking for my supper, instead the minute the sun went down I would reach for my bed and start dreaming. It was a daily ritual unless I had homework to do for school then I would sit at the table in front of the glass lamp studying or doing my work. I didn't like morning because I had to face the hard reality of life. Beside it was hard to dream in the morning. I loved going to school because I always enjoyed learning. The school was the only place I can prove to everyone that I was somebody and I did well in all my classes.
I remember when I was thirteen years old the school was having a play about the aborigines of the island of Hispaniola. I was chosen to play the role of Queen Anacaonna. She was an Indian queen who governed the Island before it was discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492. During the rehearsal the school matron was shocked to see the way I was so familiar and at ease with the character. She asked me if I had ever played the role of Queen Anacaonna before and I told her no. She kept on looking at me like I was a thousand pieces of puzzles that she had to put together in a minute. I did the play but unfortunately none of my family member came to see me, and to give their approval. That was the last time I was ever in a play since.
The lost of my first pet was another incident that marked my life until this day. She was a female cat, and she used to sleep with me every night. One night I realized that she was not in bed with me; I woke up and I started to look for her, but she was nowhere to be found. The next day, I found out that my cat had fell into a neighbor's well that was filled with water. It was a very sad moment in my life. I wandered the entire day, feeling sad and cold. A relative of mine suggested that I should get another pet, but I could never replace my cat. It is strange the way the mind functions, because when I lost custody of my daughter Farrah to her grandmother my ego was hurt so much, that I thought I could replace her by giving birth to another daughter. I did give birth to another daughter, Chantale; two years later after Farrah went to live with her grandmother. I still can sense the resentment in Farrah toward me, even though she loves Chantale very much.
I had farrah during my last year in College. She lighted up my life and I was very happy to have her. She was a good baby and a good child. She was smart and very intelligent. I taught her how to read and write, and by the time she was four years old she mastered both the English and the French languages. By the age of five, her K-2 instructor called me and told me that she was too far advanced for kindergarten that the school wanted to place her in first grade. I agreed, and they did. Unfortunately a year later my marriage to Ruben dissolved; and we both had a major break down. We lost the apartment and my mother in law got legal custody of Farrah.
I moved to California where I met Chantale's father and he was very nice to me. I stayed in a maternity's shelter during the pregnancy and Chantal was born at Belleview hospital in New York. I suffered from post partum depression after the birth. The social service department took Chantal from me and I was sent to Haiti for my parents to take care of me. While I was recuperating from my depression, my adopted mother came to New York, got Chantal from the social service department and brought her back to me in the island. I was breast feeding Chantale when she was taken from me, and when she returned I wanted to resume the breast feeding, but my adopted father said no. He explained to me that according to the Haitian culture breast feeding has to be a continuous process. You can't stop and resume it unless you want the child to develop speech impairment. Even though there is no scientific evidence about what he was saying, I agreed with him and I gave Chantale the bottle. She did very well with it. I stayed in Haiti for a year with my baby then came back to the United States.
After my return I did some time in the psych ward at Bellevue Hospital, and then moved back to Massachusetts. I have stayed there before. While I was at Bellevue I met this young fellow and he tried to escape through the ceiling. He was captured and put on a four points restrain. He cried and I felt love for him like Jesus has loved us. After I left the hospital I never saw him again. In Boston Massachusetts I went to live with my God mother and her husband. I had lived with them before and left because her husband would not leave me alone. So when I went back he started with me again. This time I could not push him away and I accepted his condition. I tried to tell my God mother that I couldn't live like that, but like before she wouldn't listen. Actually she made me feel that if I left him I would miss out because someone else will take my place. I could never understand why she wanted me to be with her husband. Therefore I stayed with him until I met Sufian.
After my son was born I had to stay home with him for the first two years of his life, and it was not easy. He was a very good baby but I didn't get any financial support from his daddy. He was going to school full time and was working on his PHD. I had no clothes and no under wares. Welfare just gave me enough to pay the rent and to buy food and formula for my son. Then I sent for Chantale because she was sick in Haiti. My situation was despaired because I had two kids with no daddy around, and I had to survive on welfare. I had had Dee in Early Intervention and sent Chantale to Pre-School. Three to four times a week a young lady would come for an hour and work with Dee to develop his motor's skills, and he loved it. I had to practice the early intervention exercises with Dee so my day was always very busy. The only time I had to myself was at night when the kids were in bed. Every night around ten o'clock I would watch an old episode of Star Trek on TV, and then I would go to sleep. I needed a way out, so I decided to go back to school. I was accepted in the BSN program at Mercy College but Long Island University refused to release my transcript to them. I was not eligible for financial aid to start up from the beginning so I had to cancel my acceptance. When Dee (this is my son nickname) turns two years old I went back to work, this time as a home health aide.
I work in a foster home for senior citizens and I loved it. One of my clients was 113 years old and she was the oldest citizen in Massachusetts. I had the privilege to take care of her, and I felt very fortunate. Then there was Larry Bardoville who was a musician when he was young and played with the Boston philanthropy orchestra. Rydell was a motorcycle rider in his young days and I used to give him a shower every morning. In the home I met this nice lady who gave me a plate with the picture of Martin Luther King, but unfortunately she died of cancer. Mrs. Pitman the owner of the home was very nice to me. She was the one who taught me how to cook grits. I had to move to East Boston to a bigger place so the kids could have more rooms to play. Therefore I had to quit the job at the foster home.
The kids loved East Boston specially Dee because he could ran and played outside. I like it because I had more rooms and privacy. I had to take Dee to see a speech pathologist because he was having difficulty learning how to talk. The first thing he told me once he was able to talk was that he loves me, and when he grows up he will buy me a beautiful house. That's my Dee. He is my heart. Life went smoothly in East Boston. I still continued to work as a home health aide. I had a job then working for a Jewish family in Newton Massachusetts and the family treated me very nice. Mrs. Herzberg was more like a friend to me than a boss. Then I needed extra income and got another job at a Sears's department store. Later one I was employed by New England Medical Center as a patient's sitter. I still was not satisfied with my life and I decided to go to nursing school. I attended Soldier's home school of practical nursing while working fulltime. It was not easy because the kids were still little, and other kids in East Boston started to harass them after school. I had to rush from school every day to get there before the school bus, so I can pick them up. Finally Nana Peggy one of the babysitters agreed to pick them up for me at the bus stop. It was a big relief because I didn't want my children to get beat up by other children.
I completed Nursing school with a B+ average even though I worked full time, and was also taking care of the kids. Sergeant Clark who was my military recruiter was at the graduation and I was very pleased to see him. My adopted mother also came all the way from Haiti to see the graduation. Little that I knew that was the last time that I was going to see her alive. The memory of her that day is still intact in my mind. The graduation ceremony was divided in two parts; in the morning we had a religious ceremony that lasted two hours , then we went back home. We sat at the table to have lunch and we talked and laughed about a lot of things. Then we went back in the afternoon for the second ceremony in which they did the final distribution of diplomas and awards. To my big surprise I did not receive any awards, just the diploma. To embarrass me even more they asked me to stand at the end of the ceremony and I was told that my good work and effort were being acknowledged. Then the final graduation ceremony was followed by a big dinner for the graduated, the faculty, the staff, the family and friends. My mother had a good time, but I was upset and couldn't eat anything. My daughter Chantale sensed that something was wrong and she asked me why I didn't receive any award; and I just kept my silence. Talking about justice, that is some justice!
We went home after the graduation ceremony, and I was very tired, so I went to bed. The next day my mother left for New York. It was the last time I saw her alive. Eight month later she died of cervical cancer. At her funeral I cried and told the people to put me instead in the grave, but they carried me away. Maman was a good person she did a lot of charity works in papa's church, so she was missed by a lot of people. She was a very courageous woman. Her only weakness was that she had a very bad temper and some people mostly papa didn't like that, but I understood her and I forgave her. She hardly talked about her childhood, and when she finally said something I realized that she never had one. That was sad. She loves God dearly and used to pray constantly, in good time and bad time. I was able to learn almost all the Haitian Gospel songs because of her. I mourned her death for two years then finally found who my biological mother was, and I found comfort in her. Adjusting to my biological mother was so easy, it was like I knew her all my life. I was so happy to find her that I never asked her why she gave me away. She is a god person too, and she also had a tough life. She was never happy or a complete person because of the separation from me. She tried very much to help the very unfortunate children to compensate for my lost. You see when I was a little girl I could not think of her because I thought that my adopted mom needed more than she did. Therefore I had to put up with a lot of terrible things, but I never complained and I don't regret either what I did for love.
My relationship with Fito was over and I started to date again. His name was Nevers, and we were introduced to each other by my roommate. Then Nevers and I broke up, and I met Gany. He was from Nigeria and he was working toward his MBA at the University. It didn't work out between Gany and I, and I started to date Ruben, whom I married shortly. Actually Nevers wanted to marry me; he was the old fashion type, so he went to papa and asked him for my hands according to the Haitian customs. Papa refused and Nevers' ego was hurt (after all he was a young physician) and he stopped talking and writing to me. In my part I didn't know what was going on until my roommate told me. I contacted papa and asked him why he rejected Nevers, but he could not give me a clear answer. A few months after Nevers and I broke up I met Gany; he was also a student at the University. We dated for a while, he told me that all his relatives and friend were back home in Nigeria, and he was alone. I felt sorry for him and I would do his laundry for him. In returned he made beautiful love to me and healed my heart. Then he went away without me, and I was alone. He didn't call me either, so I thought it was over, and that he had abandoned me like Never did. I told myself to stop crying and I stated to date Ruben. After Ruben and I had gotten marry both Nevers and Gany wanted to get back into my life, but it was too late.
I was eight years old when I had my first boyfriend, actually he didn't exist, and he was made believed. The affair ended when mamman found in my school bag one of the love letters I wrote to him. I remember that day very well, if I were a white girl I would have blushed so hard and turned into a tomato. Instead I look at mamman and told her that was my homework, and she shook her head in disbelief. Then I started to have that tingling sensation in my vagina, I didn't understand, so one day in front of everybody I opened my legs, reached for my vagina and stated to rub it with my fingers. To my astonishment everybody started to scream sacrileges and told me that I was out of my mind, and I stopped. Later on I found out that my sister Margaret was going through the same thing with her body and we began to rub our vagina against each other. For us it was just a game. Then one day mamman found us doing it. She let out a scream as if she has discovered us both dead. Mamman went to the kitchen took some red peppers, crushed them and was about ready to put them in our vagina, but papa stopped her. They agreed to beat us instead. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life, because after the beating we were striped of our clothes, exposed so the neighbors could see us and water was poured on us.
I became aware of my skin color as a very young girl. One of mamman friends was getting married and she asked her if I could be the flower girl. Mamman told her no, that I was too dark to be the flower girl to choose Margaret instead since she was lighted skin. I felt sad that day, but I was puzzled because I couldn't understand what was wrong with my skin, and I thought that something was wrong with mamman. Even today I still can't understand why people want to violate my right to exist and to be happy because of my skin color. Before mamman's sister died, Aunt Marie, I went to Florida to see her. She knew me very well, and she told me it is not fair that I am still struggling at my age to have a fair chance in life; I should curse my race and reject the fact that I am black. I thought she was out of her mind. How can I reject my race? That's what makes me who I am today. I am very proud to be black! If my skin's color bothers someone, too bad, because there is nothing I can do for that person. All I could say just watch me shine and bloom like a flower.
People can't understand why I am not bitter about being black. Why should I? My skin color never stop me from being the best in school or from dating and marrying the best of the best of men. I still refuse to let them stop me from being who I am, because I am somebody. I never hated my sister or be jealous of her. Instead I protected her and even helped her to get everything she has today. That is real love to me. I admire myself very much for being this kind of a person, because it is easier to hate than to love. People often say that I like white man better than I love black man because my first husband looks white even though he is a Spaniard. I say I like smart and intelligent men. The first real love that I had ever felt was for a black man darker than I was. His name was Guy Despeigne and he was handsome and dark. My brother Jean told me he was married to someone who has the same name as me and who also looks like me. I don't see color but I see good people. I just get angry sometime when I see that even though we are now living in the 21th century some people are still judging others by their skin color. Instead of thinking of all the good things the advancement of science and technology have brought to them some people are still focusing on skin color and race. The dangerous things are these people are responsible for other people lives and sometime have to make decision about critical matter. No wonder our society is deteriorating.
We moved out of 99 Tapscott Street because there was a fire in the third floor of the building and papa thought it was no longer safe for us to stay there. He rented a house on Lenox Road where the landlord lived upstairs with his four young children, and we lived downstairs. His name was Austin and he was a single dad. He showed special interest in me by lending me books like his Time collection line of encyclopedia. I have enjoyed reading these books because for the first time I realized how interested and fascinated science was. Austin was very nice to me and papa started to complain that it was not right for a young girl to be friendly with an older man with four children, so I stayed away from him. Beside I had other things in my mind; I have decided that I wanted to study medicine. My high school art teacher advised me to study art instead since I was so good with drawing, but I refused. Papa was against the idea of me studying arts anyway because he said that I was too much of a dreamer already and arts would make sink deeper into unreality.
Papa and my stepmother opened a restaurant in Jackson Avenue, two blocks from our house and every day after school I had to go and worked in it. I didn't like that because the customers were always rude and in return I had to be nice to them. Some of the male customers resented the fact that I was not interested in having a relationship or in getting married and would verbally abused me sometime. Beside I missed my 4:30 pm after school movies programs. They were always showing a good classical such as 'Love me Tender" with Elvis Presley and many other good one like "The heart is a lonely hunter "with Cicely Tyson. Working in papa's restaurant was no fun, so after I graduated from high school I went to College, and moved into the College Dormitory. Papa didn't like that and was devastated that I had made such move. He kept asking me to come back home and when I refused he blamed my stepmother for encouraging me to move out. He divorced her and moved back to Haiti and reconciled with mamman. Papa and mamman were never legally married and a few year later they came to New York and finally legalized they vows to each other. I was twenty six years old at that time, was married to Ruben and already had my first child. I was happy for both of them. My stepmother in her part was remarried to a policeman and was very happy too.
After Farrah was born Ruben's friend Jerry moved with us for a short time. He was very good to me and since he was very educated he also understood me. He told me that every child needs a teddy bear when he or she is growing up and was very concerned when he found out that I never had one. So he promised to get me a teddy bear. Jerry was an Irishman and a gentleman. Since I had a C-section he was also a big help to me. He would cook for me and even helped with the baby. Ruben was jealous and Jerry had to leave. I missed him very much after he left, so he would come back from time to time to visit us. Then we gradually lost contact with him. Three months after the birth of the baby, I found a position as a lab technologist in the nuclear medicine department at Kings county hospital. The job recruiter explained to me that I would be exposed to different isotopic radioactive substances and if I was going to have more babies, it was not a good job for me. I told her that I was not going to have any more babies, but didn't do anything about it, so she fired me. I took it very hard, and decided to stay home with Farrah instead of looking for another position. A year later I found a weekend job as a home health Aide at the home of Mrs. Marketa Scheifer. She was a Jewish lady from Germany, and she would tell me stories about how she has survived the Holocaust. I had learned a great deal from her.
When Farrah was two years old, I met Katie and Joe; they had eight years old daughter named Kelly. They lived on the second floor of our apartment building. Kathie was an Italian woman, and Joseph was Irish. We became very closed friends. Katie and I would go jogging in the morning while the babysitter watched farrah for me, then I would go to my aerobic class after the jogging. Later on the day Katie and I with the kids would have lunch. Sometime we went shopping either before or after lunch. In the afternoon we took the kids to the Park where we met the other mothers to chat with. I was adjusting very well as a housewife in the Kew Gardens community of queens New York. Sometime I would take a part time job just to have a little money of my own. My husband was working as a computer technician for Prime Computer and took care of me and the baby. Even when I found a job working for a millionaire as a home health aide, he made me quit it. He always drank either socially or by himself, but his drinking problem was getting worse and I could not understand why. I asked for help in the community and they referred us to Alcoholic Anonymous.
Ruben went to a few meetings then he stopped. I didn't know what to do, so we started to fight a lot mostly when he was drunk. He was drinking all the time by then, in the morning before he went to work, in the afternoon when he came home, during the evening and during the night. Sometime he missed work because of his drinking. To escape the situation I spend most of my time upstairs with Katie and Joe then with him. My sister Anne Marie was still alive and she tried to warn me of the danger, but I could not listen. Finally without notice Prime fired him and repossessed the company's car. We were both devastated by the action and Ruben gave up completely. Well not completely, because after I left for Haiti to go to medical school he went and get unlisted to the United States army. While he was in the army, he called me almost every day and most of the time he was drunk. Finally he was discharged honorably. Later he told me the reason he was discharged was because his roommate found out that his wife was black, when he saw my picture in his locker's door, and reported it to his superior. I didn't buy it. He was discharged from the military because his drinking was out of control. Meanwhile I was studying medicine in Haiti, Farrah was with me and we were having the grandest time. I was dating again and he was the Consul at the Haitian embassy in New York. He would come to Haiti twice a month just to visit and spent time with me. Then I became pregnant and decided to have an abortion without his approval, and we separated after that.
I met my friend Elicendra she was the niece of the Prime Minister of Haiti, and she was also attending the medical school as a transferred student from Long Island University like me. Elicendra was dating Roro a fourth year medical student who was the nephew of the minister of defense. They introduced me to Tiffort who was the body guard of the minister of defense. Tiffort and I started to date and all four of us would double date on the weekends. We usually went to a private party or to a night club. I found out that Tiffort didn't love me, but was rather spying on me, so I broke up the relationship with him. He raped me at gun point for that. My whole world fell apart for the very first time in my life and I wanted to die. I went to the harbor in Port au prince and thought about jumping in the water, then changed my mind and went back home. The saddest thing was I had no one to talk to about it and I was ashamed. I could no longer concentrate on my classes, so I left the school and escaped Haiti to come back to the United States. When I arrived here I called Ruben from Kennedy Airport and explained my situation to him. Within minutes he was at the Airport to pick me up. To my big surprise not only he was happy to see me, he wanted us to resume our life together. I told him about Tiffort and he said he was going to kill him. The next day he took a plane for Haiti with his military uniform on and got Farrah out of there for me. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that Ruben was not the father, but my hero told me that he didn't care if I wanted to keep the child, that he loved me. Later Tiffort told me he was just teasing me with the gun, because he did not use forces on me. He is still mourning the death of our child till this day. He told me he loves me, and wants to make it up to me. I believe him. We were both young 25 years ago. I think if we could turn back the time, we would do things differently.
I stayed with Ruben and his mom for about two month, and got a job at a local department store. Unfortunately, Ruben was unable to find employment, so we were unable to afford to rent our own place. Ruben and I then decided to move to Boston Massachusetts. The plan was that I would go there first with Farrah, and he would join us later. I went to Massachusetts and stayed there with my godmother and her husband; both of them wanted me to forget about Ruben, and I told them no. My godmother told me if I really wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a physician I could not plan a future with Ruben. I told her that I could never abandon Ruben because he has done too much for me and beside I loved him. Since I was under a lot of stress while I was in Massachusetts, I had a miscarriage, lost the baby and I almost died in the process. With the help of a social worker I met while I was in the hospital, I was able to rent a subsidized apartment and Ruben joined Farrah and me there. Ruben suggested that I should join the military in order to pursue my goal in medicine. I agreed and I enlisted in the Army Reserve for six long years. Ruben meanwhile started to drink again and changed his mind about watching over Farrah while I would be in basic training at Fort Lee Texas. I was disappointed and told my recruiting officer about the situation. He told me there was no turning back because I had already signed a contract with the Army. I decided to postpone my deployment, that was a big mistake, and the Army thought that I was creasy. I was creasy because a few months later I ended up in a mental hospital. Ruben's drinking was not under controlled that he started to be physically and mentally abusive to me, and I had to let him go back to New York. The Army was putting so much pressure on me for refusing to leave for basic training at the scheduled time that I finally, after all I had been through, broke down. I was placed into a mental hospital against my will and farrah went to a foster home. I stayed in the mental institution for three months, it was the longest time in my life and I had to learn some hard facts about life itself. I met an older woman there, her name was Patient and she had been institutionalized all her life. She told me that she was the only daughter among seven sons, and she was also the youngest. According to her I was lucky, because in the earlier days not only you had to constantly be placed on a four point restrains, but you also had to have sex with the psychiatrist. Patient was smart and intelligent; she was not creasy at all. I asked her why she never fought them, she said that she was not strong enough, and that her other siblings were already successful in their careers; some of them lawyers, teachers, and could not fight for her either. I was devastated by what she told me, and realized that I needed to fight my way out there. I didn't want to escape like one of the young patients did; therefore, I appeal my commitment to the court. I was provided with a lawyer to review my case and he helped me won the appeal, and I was free again.
First thing I did was that I went to get Farrah from the foster home, but we did not have a place to go because the landlord had emptied out our apartment for non- payment of rent. I took Farrah to one of mamman's friends, stayed there for two weeks then went back to New York. As we waited for the train to New York, I realized that farrah has left her Care Bear behind; I wanted to go back for the Care Bear but decided instead to go on. In New York we stayed with Margarett; Frantz and her were divorced, but she had a living boyfriend named Kenneth. He was Handsome, the man of the moment, and he liked to hear it from his surroundings. Even though it was a fact, but I could not express it for him, because of the things I have been thru. Instead I would watch the stars at night and they were beautiful. He took us for Sushi at one of the best Japanese restaurant in Manhattan and after that he told Margarett that I had to leave. I left, took Farrah to her grandmother and went to stay at mamman's friend in Brooklyn. Two days later the space shuttle that was carrying the first young female teacher into space exploded as the entire world was watching. It was a terrible tragedy and for the first time in all these ordeals I felt scared. I had a terrible seizure that night, and went to the hospital. They kept me waiting for a long time then the doctor gave me some prescriptions in a bottle and ordered me to take two at that moment, and I did. Next thing I remember I was laying in bed surrounded by doctors hearing them discussing that I was dead. I opened my eyes to tell them that they were wrong that I was still alive.
Later on that day I was transferred in handcuff at Kingsborough Psychiatry Hospital and never new why I was handcuffed. I went to court after I was free to file a complaint but my motion was denied. Meanwhile my mother in law went to court and obtained legal custody of Farrah with the help of my sister Paule Michelle who later changed her name to Paulina. Three month later my sister Anne Marie died of the AID virus. It was a shock to me because she was never sick in her entire life. I went to stay with my friend Emmanuela for a short time then moved into a shelter. When I was in Kingsborough I met that young man, he told me never to be afraid to live, and I followed his advice. That young man told me a story I never forgot. He was born in the foster care system, went to an orphanage in upstate New York at the age of five, and was released from the orphanage at the age of eighteen. A few years later, he went back to inquire about his biological parents to find out that the orphanage was burnt down. He was under a lot of emotional pain, but determined to survive. We parted, then I went from shelters to shelters between New York and Massachusetts, and I went back to my Army's recruiting officer to reschedule my basic training at Fort Lee, Texas. While I was awaiting basic training, I started to attend drills. I was late for one of my overnight drills at Fort Devens in Ayer Massachusetts and was discharged on the spot. Since I was free from my obligation to the army, I decided to move to California.
Like the young man I met in the psychiatric hospital, I was unable to find any records about my biological parents. According to mamman's story the adoption was against her will because the hospital had given her the wrong baby. Her baby had died during the birth, the hospital did not want to be charged with malpractice, just gave her another baby. She had a boy she told me. First I didn't believe her, but after putting all the pieces together in the puzzle, I realize that she was telling me the truth. By the time I have accepted the truth and realized that I needed to help her to find out what had really happened to her baby, it was too late because she was dying. I was able to find out who my biological parents were thanks to the help of a good friend and to my special psychic ability. Even though I communicate with them thru that special bond that parents and children have in order to communicate psychologically, I have never met them physically. I don't know why, but I am ashamed of myself and also scared to meet them. My father told me that my mother never told him that I was his daughter, until that day that I almost died from that overdose the doctor had given me. The father of my daughter Chantale was upset with him, and asked him was he never asked for help to get me out of Haiti when I was a little girl, now that explains the situation very well, because he didn't know that I was his daughter. As for my mother she told me she was very young when she got pregnant with me, and because of her career, in those days she had to follow orders. The order was that she could not keep me, but she had tried very hard to get me back and every time her attempt failed. As for the place where I was born they did not reveal it to me, I can only guess it.
Sometimes I feel very lucky to have these two special people as my biological parents, and sometimes I also feel very depressed about it. If I knew when I was a child, it would have been different, but as an adult it is hard to deal with. I think how different my life could have been if I had the chance to be their daughter and be with them, and I said to myself life is not fair. It's like it is not enough to be black and a woman, I have to live with the fact that I was cheated of my birth right. I am angry and upset, but what can the anger do for me. Will it ease my pain, or change the fact about my life? No. Like all the other things that I can't do anything about, I choose to accept this reality and make the best out of it. I think of myself like a green plant that uses no resources to make food for itself and others. All the green plants need is carbon dioxide, which we need to get rid of anyway, water and a little sun light to feed itself and the entire population that inhabits the earth. It never complains, not even when it makes a beautiful flower that blooms one day for the enjoyment of our eyes and fades away the next day. Sometime I feel people looks at me and said: look at that ugly rose that grew out of a concrete. They failed to realize that ugly rose did survive even though it has no resources to do so. I am not blaming anyone for my fate because I believe there is a reason for everything and most of the time it's a very good one.
After high school I attended Lehman College of the City University of New York, and it was tuition free. In my second year the President's Ford administration wanted to change the tuition's rule and decided to apply tuition to all the Colleges of the City University of New York. The students protested and it was an ugly fight. Before I even knew what was happening I was bussed with many other students and brought into the streets of Manhattan to join in the protestation. Here I was, "little me" now a political activist. I look back at this event and think, it can only happen in the United States of America. The students lost the battle and tuition was applied. While I was at Lehman College I had the opportunity to work with Dr. Jane Keithly, one of today leading scientists. She was a biology professor there and I worked in her research lab as her laboratory assistant. Many years later, after Chantale was born, I met her again at Cornell University where she was doing researches on the AID virus, and she offered me a position as her assistant. I was suffering then from post partum depression, which leads me into a major break down. I was sent to Haiti for mamman to take care of me and lost this once in a lifetime opportunity to work with her again. Since I was homeless, Dr Keithy let me sleep in her office at night. She would have taking me home with her, but she was having some family problems of her own.
I stayed in Haiti for a year with Chantale and came back here, this time I stayed in Miami, Little Haiti, with mamman's sister aunt Marie. It was not easy there; I had no income and no employment. I tried to offer my help to the Haitian community there, but the community was in turmoil and very agitated about the political instability of Haiti in those days. Every evening I would go to the community meeting, but nobody listened or paid attention to me. I tried to listen and found out who their leaders were, there were no leaders, but a few young American men who were trying to communicate their political ideas to the community. These young men were not accepted either, and they were often criticized for not being Haitians. Auntie Marie was no longer able to take care of me, she asked me to leave. I left and moved with an older gentleman and stayed with him for a while until I was able to collect enough money to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to New York. The ride from Miami to New York was very exhausted and long. Finally when we arrived in Baltimore I started to bleed from the vagina, I Know it was not my period, but I dint know what's was wrong. First thing I did when I arrived in New York was to get to a Hospital. They told me that the bleeding was due to an infection, and they gave me an injection of an antibiotic booster, and then they released me.
I didn't have any place to go in New York, I didn't have money to stay in a hotel, and the load that I was carrying prevented me to go to a shelter. I decided to go back to Port Authority and wait there. I waited for three days there with no food or water. Finally I started to get hungry, tired and very confused. Suddenly I saw this well dressed lady passing near me with a large tray of fried chicken and was headed toward the bus to Boston. Without thinking I jumped at her, but to proud to eat the chicken, I threw it away. She called the police and I was taken to Bellevue Hospital like a mad woman. I stayed at Bellevue for a month. While I was there, I met this pregnant young woman who had her baby while she was there. The hospital was going to place the baby in the foster care system, so I helped her get in touch with her family, and they came to get the baby. Upon my release the hospital put me into a bus to Boston, and that was my final good bye with New York.
I arrived in Massachusetts during the evening and I took a taxi to my godmother house. The ride was long because my godmother lived on the other side of the city. Finally when I arrived there I paid the taxi and got out. My godmother gave me a warm welcome, since I was tired from the trip I asked her if I could lay down, it was then she told me that she didn't have a room for me, that I would have to sleep in the couch in the living room until I can buy a folded bed that I can place in the dining room to sleep. I would open the bed at night and in the morning fold it. I did just that, but it was hard because I could not lie down during the day. I was on some very strong tranquilizer and anti-depression medications that made me very sleepy. During the day I would either fell asleep in a chair or laid down my head on a table in the kitchen. My godmother's husband would come to me during the night; I could no longer fight because I was tired, and so I gave in to him. I then found employment at a nursing home and stated to work as a nurse aide. I save enough money in a month to rent a room. My godmother was happy to see me leaving, but her husband was not. He said that I was a big help to him because I always cooked him breakfast every morning.
The place where I rented the room I stayed there for only a month because the owner of the house wanted to have sex with me and I said no. I moved to another room and this time I was free to sleep at night without worrying who is coming to my bed soliciting sex. I stayed there for three months than the lady asked me for the room. She said that she needed for her son that she just wanted to rent the room temporarily. I had to start looking for a new place and it was not easy. Everywhere I went they told me they have a room for rent but it is reserved for a man. Finally I found this young couple and they were living in a room with a little new born, so we put our money together and we rented a big apartment with four bedrooms. The couple took two bedrooms I took one, and we found another tenant for the other one. I stayed there for about six months. By then I was no longer working at the nursing home, but I had a job at PAPA GINO a pizza restaurant. The manager of the restaurant, his name was Mike was very nice to me. I learned how to make Pizza sauce and spaghetti sauce. Mike also taught me how to use the phone to take in orders, and how to work the cash register.
At Christmas time PAPA GINO gave all his employees a bonus check. It was a surprise to me since it was the very first time that an employer gave me a bonus. The store was very busy and Louis Armstrong's melody "I see skies are blue…than I see you and I said to myself what a wonderful world" was filling the festive air. For the first time in months I felt a glimpse of happiness. The evening came, and it was time to close the store and I knew I had to go back to where I was staying and faced the pain of the reality of life again. Mike had given me a few boxes of pizza to take with me and I took them to my godmother's. Their house was a three story home; they had rented the first floor, lived on the second floor, and the third floor was empty. I asked my Anis who is my godmother husband to rent me the third floor, but he refused. I left their place and went back to the room I was rented. There I found the place was full with people. Apparently the couple that I was sharing the apartment with had a relative who just lost his house thru a fire and his entire family with three children moved with us in the apartment. It was chaotic because there was no privacy for anyone. The situation got even worst because Anis kept on coming during the night to see me. Even when I am asleep and would not open the door He would go behind the house to knock on my window and made me let him in. It was embarrassing because everybody knew he was my godmother husband. Finally I could not take it anymore, and I revolted, and then a week later the couple asked me to move out. They refused to take my part of the rent for the month. I knew that Anis was behind their action, so I went to see him to negotiate my situation with him. It was raining heavily outside and he threw me out in the rain. As I waited at the bus stop for the bus, I was crying; then a Lexus pulling and stopped right in front of me, and he asked me to get in. I just could not believe it. I didn't question him because it felt like sweet Jesus had just come down to rescue me finally. He was handsome and talented and the sound of skacha a famous Haitian band was playing from the car radio. He was moving his body with the sound of the rhythms as he drove. I told him my story and he told me not to cry that he would take care of me, and he did. The same night he took me to a nice family and introduces me as a relative of him. They had a little studio apartment in the back of their house for rent and he paid the deposit and the first month for me. He never asked me for anything in return. I moved to my new place, the family embraced me right away as if I was one of them. Anis still will not leave me alone, he found out where I was and tried to turn the family against me. He even tried to blackmail me and ask me to pay him in order to keep my place with the family. I explained my situation to Mr. and Mrs. Felito and they took on my side. The next time Anis came to their house to harass me they made him realize that what he was doing to me was not ethical and they told him he has to leave me alone. The Family arranged for me to have my nanny job in Newton, so I can be farther away from Anis. He found out that I was working in a live in job in Newton and called me there. This time he offered me his third floor apartment for rent. I didn't need it anymore because I was comfortable where I was, and I reported him to my boss Mrs. Ross. Next time Anis called me there she told him to leave me alone or she would report him to the authorities. He stopped calling me, and I was free at last.
I worked for Mrs. Ross for a year then I met Sufian. I left my nanny position, married Sufian and moved to Brighton. Anis found out that I was no longer working for Mrs. Ross; He sold his house and moved near me to Brighton with my godmother. I told my godmother that she made a terrible mistake by getting rid of her home. She told me that there was nothing that she could do since she did not help Anis to buy the house. Even though I was Married He continued to bother me for sex. Sufian and I then decided to move to Lowell, I was happy because I knew that I was going to be away from him for sure this time. Later I found out after we moved to Lowell Anis and my godmother left Brighton and went back to Dorchester again. In Lowell I encounter other problems; first the landlord did not like me I never knew why. A few months after we arrived in Lowell Sufian brought for me a new Buick Park Avenue. It was my first car and it was beautiful. Little that I knew that was going to stir up trouble in the Lowell community. I had a private patient named Mr. hanverger at Massachusetts General Hospital; therefore I needed the car in order to commute between Lowell and Boston. The distance between the two cities was over 60 miles. One morning I was coming from work, instead of going straight to my apartment I stopped at the store where Sufian was working to tell him how much I had missed him. On my way back, I took a different road that I had never used before. I got to an intersection I did see any stop sign and any other traffic, so I proceeded. Before I could realize it a red pickup truck at the speed of light was coming thru. I put my feet on the brake, but it was too late. We collided; since he was speeding he lost control and went to collide with another car that was coming in the opposite direction. As for me I was still standing at the intersection in shock. By the time the police came I had gotten outside of my car. I was not hurt. I could not see the driver of the red pickup truck either, but the driver of the other car that he hit was sitting at the stirring wheel and there was a woman with him. The police and the Emt asked me if I were hurt I told them no. They then went to the driver of the other car. After they were there for a while I started to feel afraid; there was a black woman at the scene standing next to me, I reached for her and she held me. I asked them why the man and the woman were still sitting in their car and they said that the doors were jammed. The EMS came to me and told me that even if I was not hurt they had to take me to the hospital. It was then that I saw the fire truck coming, the firemen got out and I saw them drilling on the top of the other vehicle where the man and the woman were still sitting in. By then the EMS were ready to take me away from the scene to the hospital. Two hours after I was in the hospital the police came with sufian and told me that the man who was driving the other car had a stroke and died and they may charge me for motor vehicle homicide. As for the driver of the red truck he was alright. I told him how come, since he died of a stroke. It was then he told me that there was a stop sign at the intersection. I told him no there was none. He said yes there was. I started to cry and told sufian please don't let them take me away. He held me and told me that as long he is living he will never let it happen to me. I was discharged from the hospital and sufian took me home. There was no charge then.
The next day we went to see a lawyer then we found out that I was charged with negligence driving and there was going to be a trial to determine whether or not I was guilty. We went back to the place where we were staying, and I went straight to bed. I felt cold, we had a very long summer and all of a sudden it was like the environment was saying to me that now we were even, winter could start. It was a terrible feeling, and started to cry thinking of the poor man who had died and his family. The black lady that I saw at the scene was subpoena because she was a key witness. A week before the trial my lawyer wanted to give up the case. He told us the family of the dead man wanted for me to go to jail and they had even already chosen the jail in Framingham where I was supposed to go. Since the press was watching the situation closely they had to have the trial. On the day of the trial I prayed to God and told him that I believe in his justice and that I was completely in his hands. At the trial I was able to prove to the judge that there were no stop sign at the scene of the accident. The defense came up with a sign that was on a light pole on the other street, but they could not convince the judge like I did. I was found not guilty and free to go.
A few months later, my apartment was robbed, and the robbers took everything even the foods that were in the refrigerator. My marriage started to dissolve because Sufian became verbally and physically abusive. The situation became worst when I found out that I was pregnant. He decided that I should have an abortion, and I disagreed. He threatened to take me to court and ask the judge to issue an order to have the abortion. He tormented me days and nights until I could not take it anymore and left him.
The day before I had the baby, I was admitted to new England Medical Center for close examination because I started to have chest pain. I was hungry that night, so I call him, and asked him if he could bring me some Kentucky fried chicken, he said no. I felt terrible and cried myself to sleep, while my roommate and her family were having some delicious Kentucky fried chicken. The next day while I was having the baby, the nurse asked me if she could call my husband, and I told her no; but she called him anyway. He came while I was pushing the baby, and he was the first to hold him. He then came to my recovery room after the birth with a box o fried chickens, took a comb and started to comb my hair. I just kept silence, and then he left and I didn't see him again until the baby was three months old. I stayed in that apartment with my kids until Dee was two years old; and then we moved to East Boston in the project. The kids loved the new apartment because they had more rooms, and it felt like a real home. I enrolled my daughter to the East Boston Public School and my son went to head start. He was having difficulty in learning how to speak; therefore I took him to see a speech pathologist at Massachusetts General Hospital twice a week for a year.
I had to take care of the children all by myself and I did three jobs to make ends meet. I worked for Sears as a sale associate, was also a home health aide and a patient sitter at New England Medical Center. Then One day I heard a knock at my door, I opened the door, there was this man carrying a bag full of presents and was asking me for a name that I didn't know. By the time he realized he was at the wrong place, I had already pulled him in. I sat him down, he told me that he was a minister and he was looking for a lady named Maria Perez who used to leave in this apartment. He invited me to his church and left the bag of presents with me. My children and I became very close to the minister and his family. Actually he was from Ohio. He thought us the bible and afterward he would play the guitar to entertain us. My children always had a part in the church Christmas play.
Sufian by then had returned to me, and started to ask for sexual favor and financial favor. Every time that I started to build my life again by having a male friend, he would come and told the person that I was a married woman, and threw the person out. He even told the lawyer from legal aid society, he loved me, and wanted to build his life with me, so the lawyer stopped the divorce procedure. After he graduated he could not find a job, and he came to me asking for help. I told him what he wanted me to do, and he said, he heard about Haitian medicine and that I have to help find work by using magical portion to buster his luck. I went to see a voodoo priest in the Haitian community and confided in him. He instructed me about what I needed to do to help Sufian find employment. I did it and in less than two month, he found employment in Mississippi as a professor. He didn't have any income because he was busy preparing his thesis. I had to pay the first month rent for him in Jackson Mississippi. Meanwhile in Boston I was working very hard to provide for the kids.
Every time I visited him in Mississippi, he kept complaining that he didn't like it there, because he was always fighting with a Nigerian co-worker. I encouraged him to stay, but the first chance he got, he left and went to Missouri, where he was hired as a professor. A few months later, he asked me for a divorce. After the divorce he bought a house, and I don't know how he did it, because his credit was worse than mine. He owed a large amount of student loan. The judge ordered him to pay alimony, but he came to me, and begged me to ask the judge to remove the alimony because he was having financial trouble. Since I was making then good money as a license practical nurse, I felt I didn't need the alimony and asked the judge to remove it. The Judge asked me if I was creasy, because he had never heard such thing.
Before the divorce, two terrible tragedies had struck my life. Mamman died of cervical cancer, and a month after her death I had a terrible fire in the apartment. My daughter room was completely burned down. The fireman fought the fire real hard, and no one was injured. The stuffs that I was able to save I placed on storage and sent the children away. My daughter went to my aunt in Florida, and my son went to his dad. I was left alone, and stayed with relatives and friends for a while, then I was on the street. I went to New York with some friends in the Haitian community for a day of pilgrimage in honor of the Virgin Mary. While in the religious procession I collapsed in the street , and was taken to Harlem Hospital. The priest stayed with me overnight and prayed for me. After they did all kind of test, I was released. I took the Greyhound back to Boston just to end up in the hospital again the next day. My heart was about to give up on me, because it was hurting all the time. The doctors at Boston City Hospital released me and I went to a shelter where they told me they didn't have a bed that I have to leave. I was weak and pale, tired, confused and nowhere to go. I stayed in the street that night, and the next day I went to a shelter and I asked them to help me go back to Haiti, because I know there at least, I would find shelters and the medical care that I needed. My request was denied, a bed was given to me. Due to my medical condition I was sleepy and tired all the time. Sometime I was unable to even stand. During the day the shelter wants the resident to leave, and come back in the afternoon. I could not leave, because I was too weak and they didn't like that. It was mandatory that each resident took a shower at night before going to bed. The shower rooms were infested with fungus and mostly everybody feet were broken down and it was terrible. Some residents would try to avoid the showers. The management used force and tigh security to make sure the shower rules were observed. Since I was tired and sick I ignored the fungus, and abide by the rules. Luckily by the grace of God my feet didn't break down. Either management was irritated by the fact that while everybody feet were breaking down, mine were intact, or by something else. They started to bully me every night during the shower time; first I ignored them, until one night, I could not take it anymore and fought back. I was asked to leave, and I told them no, I am not leaving. They then call the police to take me out. The Police came, and I told them that I am sick I don't have nowhere to go, I am not leaving. I told them, they could take me to jail if they want, but I am not leaving on my own. It was then that they started to brutalize me by dragging me until I fainted. I woke up in Massachusetts General Hospital with the feeling of a needle in my groin area, and a nurse asking me to open my eyes, if I wanted her to remove the needle. Each time she moved the needle, it was like having an electrical shock going through out my body. I cried for mercy, but kept my eyes closed. Finally when I thought it was all over with my life, I heard a very powerful voice asking her to stop that was enough. I realized I was naked, and started to wonder what had happened to my clothes. I slipped back into a deep sleep to wake up the next day in a room that was monitored by cameras and a guard was at the entrance of the door. I needed to go to the bathroom and as I tried to get out of bed, I felt pain all over my body.
A few days later, I was transferred to a psychiatry hospital in Salem Massachusetts. Salem is about sixty miles from Boston, and I didn't know why I was sent that far. Anyway I stayed there for two weeks; I was lucky to meet an old acquaintance there. He was a mental health worker, and he instructed me on how to watch for my back on his days off. The social worker at the facility called me before I was released, and she gave me the tear up night gown that I had own the night of the incident. In her look she was asking me what had happened, and why the night gown was tore. I could not give her an answer because I did not remember what had happened. Later on, I recalled being in the hospital, and the guards used a pair of scissors to cut open my night gown.
After my release from the mental hospital, I tried to get to a shelter in Salem, but their doors were all closed. Therefore I went back to Boston. There I met this young woman who lived in the door step of an old historical church with some other group of homeless women, and she took me under her wing. She gave me a spot, the homeless squad gave me some blankets, and I stayed there until someone else became interested in my spot and brought it from Jane. One night, after a day of venturing into the City, I came home when Jane told me that I was no longer welcome in their group, The spot is taken, to find refuge somewhere else. I was devastated, the temperature that night was below zero degree and all my blankets were taken. Across the church there was a shelter for woman, so I went there to ask for help. They turned me down, but they said I could come back every day for a few hours to watch my clothes and take a shower. It was not a fair deal, because I really deserved a break, but I accepted it. At night I usually slept in an ATM booth in the Back Bay area. One evening I met a young Haitian girl, she felt sorry for me, and told me that I could move with her in her apartment in one condition that I should provide her with three references. She gave me her phone number, but when I called her later that week the number was disconnected. Finally I found a place called the Night Center where homeless and people from out of state who don't have money for a hotel can stay. The only problem is at the Night Center you can either spend the night sitting up on a chair, or lay down in the bare floor. No blankets were allowed because of fire hazards.
It was at the Night Center that I met Joan; She was not homeless because she had an apartment in Chelsea, but she would come to the Night Center, so she could meet people and socialize with them. She further told me she had just lost her companion for thirty years, and she was grieving. Joan and I became friends, and she invited me to her place. I stayed with her for a while, helped her reunite with her son who lived in the Carolina's, and moved on with my life. I met Arthur, a gentleman who, lived in the same building with Joan, and he became my boyfriend. After a while the building management started to interfere in my relationship with Arthur, so he helped me to rent an apartment not too far from him. Unfortunately, our relationship didn't survive and we went our separated way. I built up myself back into society with the help of some old friends, and I went back to work.
I went back to nursing, I did private duty and I worked in a long term care facility. Mu private duty patient knew about my trials, and it was her husband who suggested that I should live this country and that the whole world was open to me now. My plan was to save enough money, and to go to England where I was going to further my nursing education. My mistake was to go to Missouri to visit my son, because it was on my way back from there that I got in trouble. The Greyhound bus I was riding wanted to stop in Ohio, but the driver gave us a choice to change for another bus that was heading straight to Philadelphia where I can change for the bus to Boston. I was in a hurry to get back to work, so I got up first to change for the other bus. The driver didn't like that and I asked me why I didn't want to go to Ohio. I tried to explain but he misunderstood me. Six weeks later I received a call from Sufian telling me he is moving to Ohio with my son. My decision to go oversea was changed, and I decided to move to Ohio instead. I bought a Ford focus station wagon and a road map, then left Boston for Ohio one November Monday morning. The trip lasted twelve hours, but I made it safe all the way to Akron where Sufian was living with his wife from Sudan. I stayed with them and told them about my plan to live here. I decided to go back to Boston to finalize my business there. I left my car with them and took a flight back to Boston. There I gave my final notice of leaving to my boss, gave back the apartment to the landlord with all the furniture in it, and returned to Ohio. I found a nice apartment to rent, got established, and within a few months I started to work again as a nurse in a long term care facility in Stow. My son would visit every other weekend and we were happy to spend time with each other. I met a young lady by the name of Michelle, and we became close friends. Her boyfriend Terrence gave me a computer and was also very nice to me. I went back to church at the Church of Arlington and they gave me a warm welcome. In the early Monday morning prayer meeting I met a young bother whom I liked very much. He had muscular dystrophy, but that didn't stop him from fulfilling his ministry to God. His death had a tragic impact in my life for many years. I still feel sad when I think of him.
I had just returned from Florida, I went there to visit my daughter Chantale. The following Sunday I went to Church as usual, after church I started to look for the brother and could not find him; I told myself may he is at a meeting with the other brothers and I left. Later on that evening I called another sister and inquired about the brother, it was then she told me while I was away in Florida The brother had died. According to her the brother had fell in the snow in his drive way, hit his head and died on the spot. It was hard to accept, so I stopped going to Church. The following year Chantale came from Florida to live with me. Since then, my life has been filled with pain, misery and deception. God saw my suffering and sent me to take care of the brother's sister as a private duty nurse. I took care of her for a while before I found out that she was a relative to the brother. The position was temporary, because I was holding it for another nurse. She came back, and I had to leave. After I left I stayed in touch with her until I moved to Dayton.
I had called the church a few times while in Dayton. I went back once or twice to visit them. They were always nice to me. Once I was In Akron to visit my son, and did not have money for a hotel, and they placed me in one. Pastor Fowler was replaced by another Pastor, but he is still at the church. His father founded the church. Now he is retired.
